When someone experiences a loss, it can be tough to come up with the right words to express your condolences. Consequently, there are many things you shouldn’t say to someone who is grieving. Grieving the loss of a family, friend, or even an acquaintance is an intensely personal and often profound experience.
Everybody handles grief differently, and for that reason, the right words for one person could be the wrong words for another. During these tough times, support from friends and family is invaluable. Here are 10 examples of things you shouldn’t say to someone who is grieving.
1. “They’re in a better place now.”
While this statement is a default for many people, it can seem dismissive of the pain the bereaved is currently experiencing. It’s hard to feel happy about their loved one being in “a better place” when they want them to still be here.
This saying may also conflict with their personal beliefs about life after death. Instead, acknowledge their pain and listen. Sometimes, a simple “I’m here for you” is more comforting than any anything else.
2. “I know exactly how you feel.”
We’ve all likely experienced the loss of a loved one at some point. However, keep in mind that everyone’s relationships and emotional connections are unique.
Your grief isn’t the same as their grief, and claiming you understand can come across as insensitive. A more supportive approach is to say, “I can’t imagine how hard this is for you,” which acknowledges their unique experience and form of grieving.
3. “At least they lived a long life.”
No matter what the person’s age, there’s never a good justification for death. Trying to find a silver lining can seem like a nice gesture, but in reality, it’s often perceived as dismissive.
The pain of losing someone near and dear to you never gets easier. It’s better to simply express sympathy and support.
4. “You need to move on.”
This statement is unbelievably rude. Grief has no set timeline, and telling someone to move on can make you seem uncaring. The person grieving may even feel defensive and yell at you for this insensitive statement. Instead, let them know you’re there for them for as long as they need.
5. “Let me know if you need anything.”
Unfortunately, many people use this statement as their default in tough situations. It’s a meaningless platitude since the bereaved is going through a tough time and likely needs many things right now, even if they can’t express it.
While it’s a popular statement, it’s on the top of the list of things you shouldn’t say to someone who is grieving. Instead, go out of your way to do things without getting asked, whether it’s bringing meals, running errands, grabbing coffee for everyone at the service, or simply just being there to listen.
6. “It was just their time.”
Putting yourself into the role of an all-knowing being makes it seem like you really have no clue what loss is like for someone. By saying this statement, you’ll seem as though you’re dismissing the profound pain and loss of the moment.
Never make these broad existential statements. Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation and offer your support and compassion.
7. “Be strong.”
It may seem like words of encouragement are what the bereaved needs. If the loss is fresh, however, they’re likely not feeling the strength they may feel down the road.
Skip this statement at a memorial service. The bereaved should feel comfortable enough to express their feelings openly, even if they’re not feeling particularly strong at the present moment.
8. “Everything happens for a reason.”
Helping someone who is grieving can be difficult since everyone has different needs. Don’t fall into the trap of using this seemingly nice thought in your dialogue.
This phrase can be particularly painful because it suggests that their loss was necessary or predetermined. Recognize the pain and the unfairness of the situation and offer your sympathy to the person grieving.
9. “You’re still young.”
Did someone lose a romantic partner? Never tell them they’re still young. You’re implying they should move on and that the lost loved one can simply be replaced. Such a statement can be incredibly hurtful, so focus instead of offering your support and sympathy.
10. “You should be grateful for what you have.”
Gratitude is helpful in many areas of life, but in moments of grief, this can make it feel like mourning is invalid and selfish. This is not the right message to be sending in this moment.
Allow the bereaved the space to grieve without telling them how they should be feeling. Be fully supportive as they navigate their emotions.
Offer Comfort
Be tactful and delicate when speaking with someone who is grieving. It’s often more helpful to offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on rather than advice or platitudes.
Remember, there are many things you shouldn’t say to someone who is grieving. The goal isn’t to fix the unfixable but rather to show that you’re there to lend support and to help them out in any way you can through this difficult time.
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Alyssa Serio has been a writer and editor since graduating from Aurora University in 2014. In her free time, she loves reading, playing volleyball, and watching any horror movie (even the bad ones) with her husband.