I’ve been talking to a lot of single/engaged people about prenuptial agreements, or prenups, and almost all of them think they don’t need one. Here are the two main reasons people give:
- “I’ll never get a divorce”
- “I don’t have enough money to need a prenup”
Are these people right? Should you get a prenup, or save the time and money?
It’s easy. Get a freaking prenup! Here’s why.
I’ll Never Get a Divorce
The first excuse is stupid. Just because you don’t want something to happen, doesn’t mean it won’t. That would be like saying, “I don’t need car insurance because I’ll never get in an accident.”
A marriage is an agreement between two people. It only takes one of them changing their mind to end it. You have no control over what your future spouse will do in the future.
Maybe that person will leave you, or maybe he or she will become batshait crazy and become a scientologist!Β Divorce could happen to anyone, so you should be prepared for it.
I Don’t Have Enough Money to Need a Prenup
This excuse is even worse. Prenups aren’t just for rich people. Just ask Chris Rock.
For those who didn’t watch the video, Mr. Rock says:
People think you gotta be rich to need a prenup, oh no! You got $20 million, your wife want 10, big deal! You ain’t starvin’. But if you make $30,000, and your wife want 15, you might have to kill her!
It’s funny because it’s true. Expect maybe the killing her part, but I think you get the point. When you don’t have a lot of money, you don’t have a lot of money to lose. You need every penny, and a prenup can protect your money.
Let’s go on a little journey and look at a few situations where a prenup might be useful for non-rich people.
Quitting Your Job to Raise Kids
Let’s say Jack and Jill both have nice paying jobs when they decide to get married. They also decide to have a kid. Once the kid is born Jack decides to be a stay at home dad (because he’s progressive like that) and Jill works to support the family financially.
If Jill decides she wants a divorce 5 years later, what happens to Jack? Not only has he missed out on five years of potential career advancement raising their kid, but his skills may have deteriorated to a point where he’s not even employable in his previous field. Jack made a sacrifice for his family, and now his wife doesn’t want the family to exist anymore. Should Jill have to pay Jack when she divorces him? If so, how much?
If you don’t have this discussion before marriage, then this decision is going to be left up to the judge in divorce court. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want Judge Judy making this kind of a decision for me based on the he said/she said between bitter ex-spouses. I’d rather have a reasonable conversation before marriage and sort this out with level heads.
Premarital Debt
When people bring debt into a marriage, typically ownership of the debt remains with the individual and is not transferred to the “household”. For example, student loans always remain with the individual who took them out. However, I’m sure there are tons of complicated, mind-numbing rules about different kinds of debt depending the type of debt and how it was acquired that only a lawyer has the expertise and patience to understand.
Without a prenup, your debt is at the mercy of local laws in the event of divorce or the death of your spouse. With a prenup, you can clearly define who owns what debt and ensure you are never financially responsible for your partner’s debt if tragedy or her high school boyfriend strikes.
If one person (or even both) has a significant amount of debt, I strongly encourage you to talk to a lawyer about a prenup before getting married.
Investments in Education
Here’s a pretty common situation that happens all the time.
Valerie and Victor get married. They move in together and come up with a big plan. Valerie, who already has her college degree and a nice job, will support their family financially while he goes to school. Then when Victor finishes college and gets a good job, they will have a two income household and be very financially secure.
Victor goes to college and gets his degree. All the while Valerie pays for their house, cars, food, and other costs of living. Maybe she even helps Victor with books and possibly tuition payments.
Now imagine Victor finds not only a great job but also a lady he fancies at work. He falls in love with this coworker and decides to leave Valerie.
She supported him financially because it was the right thing for her family, but Victor is ending their family. Should Valerie be entitled to 1/2 of living expenses during their marriage? Or maybe she deserves 1/2 of what Victor makes at his new job since his job is a result of her “investment”. Maybe she deserves nothing. Who knows?
Without a prenup, it’s up to the judge in divorce court. Would you really want to leave this huge decision up to some random judge, based on some state rules that you aren’t even aware of? My guess is no.
Get a prenup and figure this stuff out before it becomes a reality.
Get a Freaking Prenup
In conclusion, get a freaking prenup! According to this website you can get a lawyer to prepare your prenup for about $700. It’s worth it. And seriously, how can you argue with this song?
This article was featured in Carnival of Personal Finance #335: Get A Prenup Edition!
Kevin McKee is an entrepreneur, IT guru, and personal finance leader. In addition to his writing, Kevin is the head of IT atΒ Buildingstars, Co-Founder of Padmission, and organizer ofΒ Laravel STL. He is also the creator of www.contributetoopensource.com. When heβs not working, Kevin enjoys podcasting about movies and spending time with his wife and four children.
Do Jack and Jill know they’re going to have a child prior to marriage? (as in 100% sure?) Do Jack and Jill know who (if anyone) would stay home?
Mrs. SPF and I discussed a prenup and she was adamant against it. She had no interest in planning to get divorced. Heck, I was the person with the student debt (now gone).
If you’re not sure about the person you are marrying, don’t get married. Weddings cost a ton. If you rush into it like lil’ Kim did, and you’re not even getting along pre-marriage, don’t tie the knot in the first place!
How can you be sure? If there were an easy way to figure that out, then no one would get divorced. Some people change. Some people make mistakes. I don’t think it’s wrong to plan for something that statistically has about a 50% chance of happening.
I have to agree with Kevin here, Although I can see where SPF says don’t get married if you are not sure about the person, but sometimes people change once they have been together for awhile. I have seen it multiple times. Sometimes those changes are just too drastic for the other to handle and they call it quits. Either that or be with someone you don’t have feelings for, for the rest of your life, or theirs.
Just saying.
Good gracious! Feelings?? If you’re getting married because you “have feelings for each other”, you’re an idiot. The bad news is that love is about hard work, self-sacrifice, and conscious choices, not feelings.
The good news is that love is about hard work, self-sacrifice, and conscious choices, not feelings.
You are right Kevin -I can’t be sure.
Mrs. SPF and I entered our marriage with similar assets and our employment compensation is similar. Perhaps she needed the prenup, and didn’t know it!
That being said, when I first read this, I was at work where I can’t stream videos. AWESOME video.
I dont plan on getting a pre-nup as I have no assets to protect, i’m the one with the student debt (going away). However, H has asked about it and I told her that if it’s something that she’s interested in or considering, she should do some research and make a decision and i’d happily sign one.
A pair of friends I have that just got married also had one, so it’s not totally uncommon.
Yeah, I think it’s reasonable to ask for one if one person has a lot more debt than the other. I’d definitely sign one as long as I thought it was fair.
Genius!!!!!!!!!!!! Please submit it to as many video contests as possible so I can vote for you and get the Yakezie to back you up!
Sam
I put some thought into it and I think I know how Yakezie can help this get some more traction. Maybe we can get everyone in Yakezie to tweet the video to the original artist @andygrammer and hopefully he’ll watch it. Who knows what would happen from there, but it can’t hurt to someone “famous” watch the video, right?
I don’t have enough money to get a prenup. I came into the partnership with debt, and so did she. We each have helped one another work towards debt freedom, so basically a 50/50 split would be the only fair way to depart.
That is a fair point for some people. The actual cost of the prenup is not insignificant. It could deter some people from getting one.
I know this is coincidental timing, but I LOVE that your pre-nup video and pre-nup post came out right at the moment of the Kardashian divorce. It drives home the point! Spend $10 million on a wedding, and you might only be married for 72 days!
I’m sure she spent more than $700 on her prenup!!!
Crazy video! We didn’t get a prenup, but probably should have. It’s working well though so life goes on.
Kardashian made $18 million from her wedding. She’s not hurting.
Obviously you don’t need one if you stay married forever. But I do think it’s smart and is something I’ll consider strongly if/when I get married.
I would recommend a prenup to everyone unless you are coming into the marriage equal and expect to stay that way. A prenup is more than just for financial reasons, it sets everything clearly for both parties.
All good points. It’s surprising how many people are offended by the notion of a prenup. As long as it’s fair to both parties, why is it so offensive?
Should I ever get married, I will insist on a prenup, whatever my potential spouse financial situation is. I think it actually takes the financial component out and allows a couple to focus on the relationship. I would feel more free to enter into marriage in the first place, if I knew I didn’t have to stick around for money reasons should things go sour. I have seen too many marriages break up even after decades together, to believe that happy endings ALWAYS happen.
Perhaps that’s why I am still single. π
That is a reasonable stance. You make a good point about money putting pressure on the relationship. I wrote in my song, “I know it’s hard to leave when your net worth’s on the line.”
That’s actually true. There are probably couples staying together who don’t love each other because they don’t want to deal with the financial ramifications of divorce.
No matter how much you “love” someone- a prenup is definitely a hard-sell in most relationships. I recommend that if you heed Kevin’s advice to get a prenup- please do yourself a favor and hire a Mediator (a neutral third party) to help facilitate the process!
No one wants to believe they’ll get a divorce. No one wants to admit they’ve had (or will have) problems with finances. These are extremely difficult conversations to have with anyone. Most people are conflict avoidant- and talking about money/divorce/prenups can be an instant conflict creator during a time that’s supposed to be positive and exciting! Once you start bringing in Lawyers (each person should have their own attorney to represent their interests), a loving couple finds themselves in an unexpected adversarial situation.
My professional experience as a Divorce Mediator has shown me that money is one of the biggest points of contention in nearly every divorce (right up there with child custody & pet custody issues). During a divorce, emotions are cranked up to 11- so it’s tough to make rational decisions. Making these decisions PRIOR to marriage will save time and money IF something does happen later. And in a state where it’s unusual to get alimony- like Texas (where I do most of my Divorce Mediations)- the agreement can provide both sides with added security. Mediators can work with the couple directly or through their attorney to create a prenup that is fair for both of them.
I’m happy to provide referrals if anyone needs help finding an experienced Mediator to help with a prenup in their state. And like Kevin says- GET A FREAKING PRENUP!
Great insight Dave. I know a prenup can be hard on people’s emotions, but like you say, it’s much easier to come up with a reasonable plan when you don’t have to deal with all the negative feelings encompassed in a divorce.
I think the best point here is that the prenup won’t come into play unless divorce happens – and once it happens, if you haven’t made the decision, the judge will make it for you.
I agree that if you decide one spouse will stay home and sacrifice their career in the process, having a prenup can make it clear whether you think that stay at home spouse should get 50% or 30% or whatever.
Exactly. Make the decision before marriage, or let the judge make it for you if you get divorced. I’d prefer the former.
Sure, but if both start from zero, then don’t you think a pre-nup could be a bit of a jynx?
By the way, who’s the fetching lass in the video?
I don’t believe in jinxes, so I’m gonna say no. I do believe that the lack of a prenup might keep a completely miserable marriage together because one of the people doesn’t want to deal with the financial ramifications of leaving, which is not a good thing in my opinion.
And the woman in the video is a highly paid and sought after Hollywood actress. She usually charges 6 figures for a shoot like this, but she did it for me as a favor. π
I also think it’s important to date for at least 2 years before getting engaged. If you get married too soon, it might not be that the person changed, but that you didn’t know enough about them in the first place.
I have no plans to get a prenup, and they don’t have legal force in any case where I live. I’ve been with her for more than 7 years, so if I’m making a mistake by getting married and it doesn’t work out, then so be it!
P.S. That woman has a nice body π
I strongly disagree on these “facts” and have read only parts of the text.
I think focusing the prenup entirely in money is also a stupid idea. And not doing one simple because “you don’t have/make enough money” and/or “I’ll never get divorced” is beyond stupid! You are probably getting married in your 20s or 30s. What if your spouse starts a business and becomes a millionaire (or worse yet you BOTH start the company). You also should be saving for retirement so what will happen to those thousands? Also, claiming you’ll never get divorced makes you a complete idiot. No one wants to divorce, of course not! However as optimistic and in fan of marriage (I’m a marriage and family coach for God’s sake!), you can’t just say you won’t divorce and magically never get divorced. Marriages take work and you’ll never be 100% happy and satisfied all the time. And bad things happen! So add in the money stuff, guard against the what ifs too, like randomly winning tons of $, and inheritance, business deal, etc. But my advice is to also work in things like if we both work we will hire a house cleaner for 1-2 times a month (ladies And gents that is one of the biggest stressors on marriage satisfaction, so $50-100 a month for a cleaner is well worth your marriage!) include things like date nights weekly or however often. Maybe even include you’ll have at least 1 weekend away together without kids. Add in something like “if either of us is thinking of divorce we must see a counselor or coach for at least 6 months before hand.” my point is to use a prenup as a PLAN to safeguard yourself individually as well as your marriage. Because that should be your priority!
Marriage is, in contrast with popular belief, not about love.
A marriage is a contract which stipulates your life together and some of the rights and duties to one another. And also, about how the law sees you as a couple, changing some taxes and other rules regarding your life.
Strangely enough, people see the marriage as a proof of their love. Strange, as you can quite clearly love someone without marriage and marry someone without love. So all the romantics aside, marriage = contract
Now I don’t belief there is a one size fits all contract to life, which is exactly what a marriage pretends to be. So you get a prenup to personalize your contract! And yes, you put in there how you devide your money, you put in there what happens if one of you dies, and you put in there what happens when you split up. Basically, you determine the terms of what happens if the contracts ends.
Sure you don’t want it to end, or you wouldn’t get married. Great. The millions of people that did get divorced also thought they’d be together forever.
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Happily married with a prenuptial. (I’m so not seeing the romantic side of marriage (=signing of a contract) that we actual married in about 10 minutes early wednesday morning before going to work without anyone present but the obligatory witnesses)
No plans for getting married here (specifically because who can know what they will want or need in 30 years??), but when my boyfriend and I set up our joint savings account, we did up a contract stating exactly how much we would each contribute (our incomes are very different), specifically what it can and cannot be spent on, and how we would divide it upon separation. We had/have no plans to split up, but it is only logical to decide these things at the beginning.
It also forced us to talk about our savings goals, which I think was a HUGE positive. We had only talked in general terms before this, so getting down to specifics and dollar amounts really laid down a path for us, which I think solidified the relationship (hooray, we want the same things!), rather than creating a problem.
We used a free contract template that we found online, just modified it to suit our situation. Nothing fancy, but would be a great help if we ended up in court over it.
I like to car insurance analogy. One has insurance to protect not what you will or won’t do, but what someone else might do that affects you. You cannot control all other drivers so you get insurance to protect your assets. I enjoyed the video. Thanks.
Love the video!
I think you are overstating the benefits of a pre-nup for most couples. I believe the only time they make sense is if one (or both) parties has some assets they want to protect after a breakup.
You make it sound like a prenup is completely binding and will ensure that a judge won’t decide what to do with your money. Nothing could be further from the truth – if it goes to court, local laws will override any pre-nup.
You can’t decide things like alimony in a prenup.
I enjoy reading the report too. Itβ²s easy to understand that a journey like this is the biggest event in ones life.linmei/comment201202